Saturday, May 1, 2010
May 1,2010...It all begins.
I have been struggling since October to become the true person that I am supposed to be. I am not real sure that I have come that far in this journey, and I might be moving kinda slow,but I feel like I am learning who I WANT to be, and now just need to lay my own little pieces of bread on the path so that I can find it again when I stray. I became a Christian in middle school. I slowly began to study the Word of God and found myself giving more and more of ME to Him. I was an instrument of His hand and was blessed by HIM and able to experience some things that I would not have been able to otherwise. I was doing great clear up until I graduated High school and I think that that is when things became a little harder...by this I mean it took more EFFORT for me to be WHOLY GIVEN TO GOD, because I was no longer able to attend the youth group, and that was MY LIFE LINE. I think that that was the first stone to crumble in my foundation. Then I began to realize that I was struggling with the same sins EVERY day, and sometime I found that I would pray for God to break me free of this struggle and sin, yet I find now that I prayed that WITHOUT the FAITH that God would and could do just what I was asking Him to do! I asked Him, but I did it Idly. It was more lip service than a true desire. The worst part about even that was not only was I asking Him something I had NO faith in, but then I used His not doing what I was asking as a reason to DOUBT HIM. I doubted HIM because of MY lack of faith in Him. Even as I sit here and write this I realize that even THIS is all just a feeble attempt to make excuses of why I rebelled against Him for 6-7 years. The fact of the matter is I DID rebel against Him and I did more than I truly care to admit. I turned my back on Him in every way I thought was IMpossible when I was right in His eyes! I did things that when I was IN HIS LIGHT I would have imagined only those who did not believe would do. What seems to make all of this hurt just a little bit more is that He NEVER left me...not once did He leave my side.I heard Him cry out my name, begging me to just STOP and LISTEN to His Spirit as it settled around me. He was there to comfort me and carry me home...if only I had listened to Him and just fallen into His OPEN and scarred arms. Scarred FOR ME. Scarred for MY SIN, and yet even THEN I closed my heart and my mind to Him and went on about my life. I was doing drugs, I was smoking cigarettes, I was having sex...and brought 2 children ( beautiful and so perfect) into a mess that they did not deserve. I was drinking, cussing and giving no thought to who I was hurting in the midst of it all...including my son, who I may not have been hurting on purpose, but I was making it impossible for him to be anything but another statistic, top news story or inmate. In October, my father and step mother( who has always been more of a mom than my biological mom) asked me to come and just talk to them about possibly moving back home. I was pregnant then with my daughter Jade. Without hesitation I said OK. I had all intentions of coming and listening to what they had to say, but I was pretty sure that we just were not going to be able to make things work...but we did. I came on Friday night and was not going "home" ever again. I WAS HOME! I went to church with my parents as a "sign of respect" and thought about ANYTHING I could think about accept for what God was trying to say to me. Despite all of my fighting, God has spoken to my heart each day, and each day I find that I long for Him a little bit more. I am still very hesitant to give it all to Him. I find that I have some things that I just don't want to pray for Him to take away because I want to hold onto it...and just as I type this I realize that by me not giving something over to Him in prayer because I am not ready to let it go means that I have FAITH in Him that HE WILL take it away if I ask. My faith has been restored, even as I write. (LIGHT BULB ON) So as I grow in my relationship with God I will find who I am,one piece at a time,one moment at a time, and I just thank God that I have another day to find that NEW PIECE and another day to give Him praise for His faithfulness. He is faithful in EVERY way imaginable...even in times of chastising as Beth Moore points out in her book, Breaking Free.
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ReplyDeleteNIC!!!! Realistically, we both have been hurt by sin. Sins of our own, sins of others, missing the mark time after TIME, neglecting our consciences- the voice of GOD- SIGH!
ReplyDeleteThe only answer to the problem of sin is, of course, Jesus!!!!! He came here on foot not only to forgive our entire PAST, but to help us conquer sin, He will help us to VICTORY sweet thang!!! :)
"If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness".
We all have spent a little time thinking about how great it would be to have anything and everything our hearts desire RIGHT NOW. For some of us it is about having the best and coolest stuff. But for others it’s not about stuff, it’sabout finally having the relationship we always wanted. I know that is the category I tend to fall under. It’s about having a future mapped out or PRE determined. But what if when we got what we wanted, we realized it wasn't what we wanted all ALONG? We think doing our own thing and putting other things before God is what will make us happy, but it won't. It is proven TIME AFTER TIME. At least in my life!! :)
I love you Nic. I am so happy to be on this journey with you and NOTHING overjoys me MORE than seeing you turn your back to your old ways and come FULLY to God. :) Nothing makes me smile bigger!! :D Cant wait to start our study!!!!
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ReplyDeleteNichole, Nichole, Nichole! First, I want to "Formally welcome" you to the blogosphere!
ReplyDeleteNow onto ((HUGGING YOU)) with words! You started by saying "I am not real sure that I have come that far in this journey, and I might be moving kinda slow," but baby girl, I am here to say God is pulling you through this beautifully! To sit on the sidelines, or as your wrote in your FB prayer request message, "be strapped in on the ride WITH you," I can testify that what God is doing in your heart and life has absolutely BLESSED me! God knows how to shake us, stir us and draw us back to Him...each and every one us of has a story and although some of us go through things God never intended by our choices, it doesn't push us beyond His reach. It amazes me how He loves us, how even though we've walked out on Him, He still fights for us. In the book of Hosea, with the Israelites forgetting God delivered them from bondage & slavery, Peter's denial, King David's fall....God shows us just how far people may fall and how his love still reaches down deeper. I PRAISE God for calling you home like the prodigal son, it's not like the Father ever left Him, he left the Father. Just like you said, even in the midst of doing things you never dreamt imaginable, God was still tugging at your heart, calling you home, passionately pursuing you...it's because it's not HIM who leaves, it's us who leave Him. It's us who reject Him. It's us who refuse to open our hearts door to HIM! I was just talking to Ali the other day and said we should never look at someone else's sin or situation and see ourselves as above it or consider it impossible to find ourself in that same bed of garbage because the things we saw as filth, the enemy may present at our doorsteps years down the road and what you were so quick to judge you have now fallen captive to yourself. We need to not regard sin in our hearts, we need to resist temptation, PRAY the chains are broken off others in bondage and pray for God's protection around our own hearts and minds. I say this as if it's all an easy formula, but I struggle with it just as much as the next person. I relate to you more than you know when you say that you prayed for the same thing day after day and struggled day after day - but I DO trust and believe God is more than able and willing to truly DELIVER and free from those struggles and sins...if we REALLY want to be. "According to your faith be it unto you..." is what Jesus says to the woman with the issue of blood...I have to ask myself, WOW...when I'm praying - based solely on my FAITH...what will be accomplished?
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Flee from temptation or even the atmosphere it breeds in. Daily clothe ourself in His word, HIS light, HIS truth and HIS armor. Never getting prideful or feeling as though we've overcome just because we made it through a day, or a week, a month or a year - because EVERYDAY the battle rages on and that's why the Bible tells us to take up our cross DAILY and die to ourselves - we wouldn't need to do it daily if the battle of this carnal FLESH simply "ceased" to exist. I put this verse on a blog titled "...lest you fall," the other day and thought I'd close with it. 1 Cor 10:13 was one of my very FIRST memory verses, however I never remembered verse 12 and now it's one I will never forget. We must always be alert and guard our hearts and lives "lest we fall.":
ReplyDelete1 Corinthians 10:12-13
"Therefore let him who THINKS he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."
I love YOU, DAMEON & JADE so much & I'm praying for you all. I don't know the best way to put it into words, but seeing God's FAITHFULNESS in your life has encouraged me and even boosted my FAITH! Every ounce of me wishes none of those hard learned life lessons would have occurred in your life, but even so, God's used it for His glory in YOU and I can testify that He's using it for HIS namesake in me too! From the humble prayers of faith offered to the drawing and returning of the "wayward," it's been a living example of the power of intercession, God answering prayers of His people and then delivering, restoring and transforming.
I LOVE YOU NICHOLE
my bad, it was the blind men that Jesus said "according to your faith," to (so same point)...to the woman with the issue of blood Jesus said, "your faith has MADE you well..." so it's along the same lines, I just didn't want to leave it misquoted. :(
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