God's Timing!

So I realize that I have 3 friends right now that I can rely on NO MATTER WHAT! I have one who I have known since grade school... she is the one that introduced me to church outside of the catholic church. She took me outside the box, and we have journeyed together since. She has been the one that God has had do HIS pursuing! She was my SEEKER! When I was lost in allllll meaning of the word, she is the one that God sent to find me and bring me home. She NEVER gave up on me and still, to this day has proven to be there for me even tho I have not been so much a friend to her. I thank God for the bonds that we made so young in life and in spirit. GREAT timing...HIS timing. Then I have the friend that I met thru the first a few years later. She is my ENCOURAGER. She has been there for me as well, altho she may not have been the one seeking, she was always there with prayer and a great word of encouragement. Not to say that the first was not, but she sought after me like I was her own child. The second still to this day is my encouragement. She and I were not AS close then as we are becoming but that does not mean that she has not encouraged me any less. She motivates me in her walk with Him. I thank God for the words that he has given to her JUST FOR ME!  Then there is the most recent find. She is a beautiful woman of God and she is my CONFIDANT. I feel like God has placed her here in her hardship to help me in mine but just as much for me to help her through hers. We both have the same mutual friends and they are more than anyone could ask for, but this friend and I are going thru some of the same situations. She is my post to lean on when those thoughts and memories of the past significant others start to creep in, or when I get frustrated with being a single parent. She knows and understands things a little differently than the first two and God knows that. I think that her and I are more alike than we are different in a lot of ways. I thank God for His understanding and His gift of someone to walk thru this with for both support and mentoring! I will lean on her but I hope that she does the same...lean on me! So I thank God for who each of these girls are in Him and I thank Him for what each of these girls offer to me, but to the world as well. This world is a better place because of these 3 girls and God is most definitely at work in each one of us and our relationships with each other!
 Heavenly Father~
   I thank you for your timing.Each of these girls was presented to me at different times in my life and the timing could not have been more perfect! I thank you for each one and I pray blessings pour out over them in their lives. I pray that you rain down on them the greatness that each has given me. I fell truly blessed to know them and to have them so close to me in my walk and on my side in my battles! Thank you LORD for blessing me with each of them! AMEN

Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns

Purposefully Distracted?

So I wrote earlier that I felt like I just could not focus, and I was talking to Ali and Mesha and realized after a comment from Ali that this lack of focus might just be an answer to my prayers! I have prayed to have certain thoughts taken from me if they were not things that God would have me think about...could this just be God's way of taking those thoughts from me...has He just made me "numb" to everything to keep me from wandering to thoughts not of Him? So still I WAIT UPON THE LORD, and eagerly pour myself out to Him in all FAITH that He will answer my prayers to be consumed by Him and He will draw me near as a Father would His ONLY child. I am not His only child, but I would never feel as tho I wasn't...He will give ME His undivided attention even tho I cannot do the same for Him. He is God and I am just a weak Lamb waiting to be led to the waters so that I might drink...I thirst for my saviours tears of joy to fall as He draws me into His arms.He is faithful and I WILL RECIEVE! AMEN

YEARN

Handprint on my Heart

I am honestly NOT feeling God with me for the last couple of days. I feel like He has left a handprint on my COLD COLD heart with His warm hand, one just to evaporate. You know when you touch something like a COLD mirror with your warm hand, it leaves a print that quickly evaporates.I felt Him so strongly for a couple of days, my heart was so on fire and my prayers were so passion filled and now I just cannot stay focused. I went to a worship service last night, HOPING to have Him FILL ME, I wanted Him to CONSUME me and I just did not feel Him. I know that my relationship is not a FEELING based relationship, but to not feel God at all? I just feel EMPTY. The only thing I know to do... I will WAIT on the LORD!
Heavenly Father~
Now, as I sit and type, as I continue on in my day, I pray that you consume me. I LONG to feel your tug at my heart again. I pray that my eyes, heart and mind be open to YOU. If I am not seeing what YOU are showing me then Lord please take the blinders from my eyes, If I am not hearing what you are saying to me then Lord please meke me Def to the world, If I am not feeling you with me as you rain down love on me then Lord please pull me a little closer. I WANT to hear you, I WANT to see you, and I MOST ASSUREDLY WANT to feel you. I LONG TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE!
AMEN

Drawing a Blank!?!?!?!

OK, so I have posted two blogs and as I was typing my thoughts were coming to me so fast I was forgeting things...now last night I sat down to blog and drew a BLANK! I TRIED to blog, I started a paragraph 2 or 3 times and just COULD NOT finish what I was saying or really think about anything to post! WHY, one might ask...I did not sit down and have my ONE ON ONE time with God or His word. I was busy and just did not find the time to sit and dwell with Him. So I had two really good posts, felt like they were what He was telling me and then NOTHING! So the ONLY conclusion IIIII can draw is...those messages where His messages to me, His words to me, His side of our conversation in prayer! So it is REALLLY difficult to tell someone something if they do NOT ANSWER you! H-E-L-L-O! So I have yet to do my personal one on one conversation and study of His word, so for now my only word of wisdom... DAILY COMMUNE WITH HIM!!!! If you want to learn something or know something or receive an answer of prayer, then you MUST communicate with Him! He is always there...we just need to make time for Him! We will never be turned away from Him, He will never tell us He is too busy...so I find that I should show Him the same LOVE and make time for Him EACH day...I felt EMPTY and ALONE last night even as I prayed because I was not with Him like I had been prior. So take time out for your LOVER and give Him your full attention, then maybe you WILL get that answer you are waiting for!

The HELMET of TRUTH

OK...so this is not the continuation from last night like I was GOING to do,but I was sitting in my bed feeding my daughter her bottle, truly excited about going to church and I was just thinking about all of the change that has already begun to happen. I was reflecting on my own words from last night, and realized that each day I am to put on my Armor and then that lead to the HELMET OF TRUTH and it dawned on me, the helmet of truth does not ONLY mean that you are to speak the truth...the WORD OF GOD, but it means that you must ACCEPT the truth...as I DID last night. The truth that was revealed to me was amazing. I ACCEPTED that all of my reasoning for rebelling against God were MERE EXCUSES...ACCEPTED and DEALT WITH. Then there was the topic of simply confessing my sins in the walk of life I was living. If I publicly or privately confess to God my sins, then I have ACCEPTED them as TRUTH and again DEALT WITH them. Then the next would be that as I was still in the rut of thinking I was lacking faith as I had before I realized that even that was NOT the TRUTH, but the fact that my hesitating to give certain things to God and to not want to  CONFESS those things only proves that I know that HE WILL do what I ask as long as it  is in HIS WILL and those things that I want to hang onto I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT are NOT in His will...so in the end my holding onto things only confirms in me that I have Faith in Him to take them away...now the fact that I know He is Faithful...ACCEPTED and DEALT WITH...now I must simply ACCEPT and DEAL WITH those things that I am holding onto! So altho I ACCEPTED and DEALT WITH some truths, my helmet is only just over my head and down to my eyes...I need to finish putting it on, I need to ACCEPT THE TRUTH and give over my "old security blankets" ACCEPT that He will take them and I WILL BE MORE THAN OK!
  Precious Father,
    I thank you for another day to recognize, accept and deal with my imperfections of the day. I thank you that altho it may not be easy or always welcomed, you reveal new areas of my heart that need just a tad more Chiseling. I thank you that you are faithful to your children, even to the point of "correcting us". I thank you that each day your mercy flows freely upon me and that I am alive to accept it, even after straying from your guided path, down the dark and dangerous path, TODAY I am alive, alive in body, alive in Spirit and ALIVE IN YOU!!!!  

May 1,2010...It all begins.

I have been struggling since October to become the true person that I am supposed to be. I am not real sure that I have come that far in this journey, and I might be moving kinda slow,but I feel like I am learning who I WANT to be, and now just need to lay my own little pieces of bread on the path so that I can find it again when I stray. I became a Christian in middle school. I slowly began to study the Word of God and found myself giving more and more of ME to Him. I was an instrument of His hand and was blessed by HIM and able to experience some things that I would not have been able to otherwise. I was doing great clear up until I graduated High school and I think that that is when things became a little harder...by this I mean it took more EFFORT for me to be WHOLY GIVEN TO GOD, because I was no longer able to attend the youth group, and that was MY LIFE LINE. I think that that was the first stone to crumble in my foundation. Then I began to realize that I was struggling with the same sins EVERY day, and sometime I found that I would pray for God to break me free of this struggle and sin, yet I find now that I prayed that WITHOUT the FAITH that God would and could do just what I was asking Him to do! I asked Him, but I did it Idly. It was more lip service than a true desire. The worst part about even that was not only was I asking Him something I had NO faith in, but then I used His not doing what I was asking as a reason to DOUBT HIM. I doubted HIM because of MY lack of faith in Him. Even as I sit here and write this I realize that even THIS is all just a feeble attempt to make excuses of why I rebelled against Him for 6-7 years. The fact of the matter is I DID rebel against Him and I did more than I truly care to admit. I turned my back on Him in every way I thought was IMpossible when I was right in His eyes! I did things that when I was IN HIS LIGHT I would have imagined only those who did not believe would do. What seems to make all of this hurt just a little bit more is that He NEVER left me...not once did He leave my side.I heard Him cry out my name, begging me to just STOP and LISTEN to His Spirit as it settled around me. He was there to comfort me and carry me home...if only I had listened to Him and just fallen into His OPEN and scarred arms. Scarred FOR ME. Scarred for MY SIN, and yet even THEN I closed my heart and my mind to Him and went on about my life. I was doing drugs, I was smoking cigarettes, I was having sex...and brought 2 children ( beautiful and so perfect) into a mess that they did not deserve. I was drinking, cussing and giving no thought to who I was hurting in the midst of it all...including my son, who I may not have been hurting on purpose, but I was making it impossible for him to be anything but another statistic, top news story or inmate. In October, my father and step mother( who has always been more of a mom than my biological mom) asked me to come and just talk to them about possibly moving back home. I was pregnant then with my daughter Jade. Without hesitation I said OK. I had all intentions of coming and listening to what they had to say, but I was pretty sure that we just were not going to be able to make things work...but we did. I came on Friday night and was not going "home" ever again. I WAS HOME! I went to church with my parents as a "sign of respect" and thought about ANYTHING I could think about accept for what God was trying to say to me. Despite all of my fighting, God has spoken to my heart each day, and each day I find that I long for Him a little bit more. I am still very hesitant to give it all to Him. I find that I have some things that I just don't want to pray for Him to take away because I want to hold onto it...and just as I type this I realize that by me not giving something over to Him in prayer because I am not ready to let it go means that I have FAITH in Him that HE WILL take it away if I ask. My faith has been restored, even as I write. (LIGHT BULB ON) So as I grow in my relationship with God I will find who I am,one piece at a time,one moment at a time, and I just thank God that I have another day to find that NEW PIECE and another day to give Him praise for His faithfulness. He is faithful in EVERY way imaginable...even in times of chastising as Beth Moore points out in her book, Breaking Free.